The Death of a Dream and How to Find a New One

“You can't always get what you want/
But if you try sometimes well you just might find/
You get what you need.” -The Rolling Stones

You finally found your dream job, applied, went through 3 rounds of interviews... and didn't get it. You set up a crowdfunding page for your sustainable well-building project and only raised $10. You were passed up for the promotion you know you deserve, twice. Similar to a lost love, a lost dream can be devastating. Here's how to get over the dream that got away.

Step 1: Name the dream that died.
What was it you wanted that didn't work out?
Example: I wanted to manage my division at my company.

Step 2: Ask yourself, Why was that important to you?
Example: Because I like managing people and I wanted to stay here but make more money.

Step 3: Repeat the same question, “Why is that important to you,” for all of your next answers (minimum of 4 times, until you have no more reasons. Do not judge your answers). Go!

Why is that important to you?
Because I enjoy teamwork and making decisions and I have seniority here.

Why is that important to you?
Because I'm a natural leader and I thrive off of creating a plan and delegating tasks.

Why is that important to you?
Because I'm kind of type A and really enjoy getting things done on a large scale.

Why is that important to you?
Because it's so satisfying to see my ideas come to fruition and also help my company win at the same time.

Why is that important to you?
Because I get to feel creative and accomplished when that happens. Plus other people see me in a positive light.

Why is that important to you?
Because I want to be recognized for my talents and I like feeling accomplished.

Why is that important to you?
Because it feels good! Because that's just who I am? I don't know!

Great! When you get to this point, where you no longer know exactly why, or the answer is simply “That's just who I am” or “it feels good,” you've reached the end of your questioning. Yes, these are things you already knew about yourself. You knew you were a leader, and kind of type A, and that you enjoy getting things done on a large scale.

But see how you first thought you wanted the management job because you like managing people, teamwork, and making decisions? But by the end, the root cause of your desire to be a manager was more about feeling creative and accomplished, as well as being seen positively by others. Getting to the root cause of why you wanted something that didn't work out is very instructive. You'll see why in a moment.

The death of a dream is extremely disappointing, especially if you had it in your mind that you were next in line for the job, or this position was “tailor-made” for you, or because someone at the top gave you the impression that you “had this in the bag.” Now there is no bag. It feels unfair-- you're right back where you started! It's natural to have a mourning period. When you're all done mourning what you thought was yours, it's time to take your kick-ass skills and apply them to something else. There is a reason you didn't get that job, and it's because something better is waiting for you. Maybe you weren't dreaming big enough before, or maybe you dreamed so big that you didn't realize you were actually under qualified and need one more position under your belt to bridge the gap. And that stepping-stone position could turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you.

Step 4:
It's time to consider other ways to use your talents.
So given that you like feeling accomplished, want to be recognized for your talents, and like seeing your ideas come to fruition (insert your own answers), what else could you do that allows you to be who you are and do the work you love, in a different way?
i.e.: I could apply for the same position at another company, I could go for the same role in a different department, I could stay where I am and start an initiative that gives me the opportunity to see my ideas come to fruition that also might get me recognized, I could manage a project outside of work where I get to create the whole thing and manage it (like a fundraiser for my friend's medical bills).

Before we do our final step, let's use a different example of a dream that died but whose talents will rise from the ashes.

Step 1: Name the dream that died.
What was it you wanted that didn't work out?
Example: I wanted to build 1,000 wells in rural Rwanda but crowdfunding didn't pan out and I didn't get the grants I needed.

Step 2: Ask yourself WHY this dream was important to you. In this case, building 1,000 wells in Rwanda.
To prevent needless disease, and because I feel it's important to help people live healthy lives.

Step 3: Repeat the same question, “Why is that important to you,” for all of your next answers (minimum of 4 times, until you have no more reasons. Do not judge your answers). Go!
Because it's not fair for some of us never have to worry about water, while others live somewhere without clean water.

Why is that important to you?
Because I think people who have more resources should help those with less.

Why?
Because I have the power to prevent suffering.

Why?
Because I CAN. Justice is what fuels me. It's who I am.

Ah, there's your final answer.
Step 4: Now given that you're fueled by justice and preventing suffering through better health, what else could you do?
Example answers: I could work for an NGO that does similar work and already has the resources, I could look for corporate sponsorship or throw a fundraiser to get the money to build the wells, I could look for a company closer to home that builds wells and work for them, I could work for food or water justice in another region that requires less start up costs. If you don't have enough options ask a friend for help with ideas. 

Step 5: Choose your favorite option and make a goal. This goal is your new dream.
So you hate 3 out of 4 of your ideas. The 4th is okay, but not as exciting as your original dream that didn't work out. What could you do to make it more exciting? This is your new dream, not some second-rate back up plan. Make it fun! Inspiring! Worth working toward!

I'm sorry you didn't get what you wanted. It sucks, it really does. And you are totally normal for needing time to get over it. But.... you know what I'm gonna say, right? When a door closes, a window opens. It helps if you look around for the window rather than pulling on a door that's glued shut while telling yourself that “it's going to open some day, I swear!”

When the dream isn't working out, refocus on how you wanted to feel when you accomplished your goal, not what exactly you wanted to do. Your mission isn't in the how you do something, or even the what you do. It's in how life makes you and those around you FEEL. If you think for a second that you don't make choices based on your feelings, you may want to take another look at your reasons for doing things. Even a noble purpose like saving lives comes from a feeling, a desire to help (which is a feeling), or a desire to not be an entitled first-worlder.

Your dream didn't die. It's just transforming into something else, waiting for you to recognize its new shape. The best part is, you choose the shape. Happy dreaming!