Are we ever not in transition? Recently I was talking with a friend about how we felt that at some point in our lives we would have ‘arrived’, like we had ‘made it’ and some of the messy business of not knowing what we want or what we could be would be behind us. Instead it seems that the older we get the more we realize we don’t know where it’s all going or who will even be there with us on the journey, and maybe it’s easier to learn to be comfortable in the gray muck of not-knowing.
Many of the transitions we go through in our lives are self-propelled: we decide to go to college and move away; we decide it’s time to change our career or have a baby. But it’s much different when the transition is happening out of our control, such as being laid off or working through the emotions of end-of-life transitions with loved ones. How we view and think about these transitions is almost as affecting as the change itself. With Spring here a little early this year a lot of people are talking about change, and it seemed appropriate to share a little about navigating the kinds of changes we feel unprepared for or even afraid of. Here are a few things to keep in mind if you find yourself in the midst of an unwelcome transition and need a little self-coaching: 1. You are not the first person to go through this. In fact, you are probably not the only person in your family or friend group to go through it either. Watch for destructive and unproductive thoughts like, “Why does this always happen to me?” Ask yourself, “Was that thought about what is happening really true?” And then, “Does the answer help me in this situation?” 2. Learn to respond to yourself as kindly as you would your best friend. You are probably scared, unsure, confused, and uncomfortable. The last thing you need to hear is a nagging internal voice that you “Could have prevented this if only…” or “I should be doing_____ right this second to fix this!” These thoughts, as common as they are, will only serve to stress you out further. Remember this transition happened against your will, and there is nothing you can do now to change that. 3. You’re okay. No matter what craziness is happening around you, YOU are okay. You may have just lost your job, or a loved one, or your house. But YOU are okay. You were born with innate wellbeing, and you still have that in this situation. In fact, you probably also have several friends, family members, or other loved ones who are not affected by this situation who you can lean on. 4. You deserve help. Find a mentor, coach, or therapist. You don’t have to figure out what to do alone. Many others are nearby who are waiting to help you with this, professional or otherwise. 5. This too shall pass. Even the worst of changes will come to an end eventually. You’ll find a new job; you’ll move forward from the grief of the lost loved one. You will be changed for going through this, and maybe that is the biggest transition of all- we change as changes come. You are not fixed, etched in stone as the You of 2015. You will change, you will grow, and that is a blessing.
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How to Set Healthy BoundariesThe ability to set healthy boundaries, both with ourself and others, is for many a lifelong process. While this is an important topic for both men and women, the article below was written especially for women. Enjoy!
Gracie Healthy Boundaries Create Healthy Relationships by Crystal Andrus http://www.crystalandrus.com/healthy-boundaries-create-healthy-relationships/ After writing last week’s article on “rejection”, I received a few private messages from women asking if I would write more about “boundaries”. In that blog, I explained that boundary setting is hands-down the most important lesson we women need to learn: “Healthy boundaries are like having a front door with a lock on it. You have the right to keep out unpleasant visitors.” Boundary setting was certainly my most important lesson to learn in order to become empowered, because without healthy boundaries I created unhealthy, dysfunctional relationships . . . and I didn’t even realize I was doing it! As someone who has tended to over-give, over-do, over-protect, even over-try, I have to remind myself when I begin taking on more than I feel comfortable with — whether it be helping a friend, counseling a family member through a rough time, or offering to “pick up the slack” for someone who has “bitten off more than they can chew” – to back up, slow down, and really ask myself:
As a coach (and this goes for most therapists, healers, nurses, counselors, etc.), we have a natural tendency to want to “fix things”, but without learning healthy boundary setting, we can too easily take on the weight of the world and inevitably, hurt the very person we wanted to help because we are giving more than we can afford to lose and eventually, we burnout, become angry, or breakdown. We’re no good to anyone. Not to mention, I can almost see my weight rising when I’m forgetting to set a boundary. Doesn’t matter how many jogs I take, broccoli I eat, or protein shakes I drink, the weight predictably comes on. I literally carry the weight of my unhealthy boundaries on my body. Many of us didn’t witness healthy boundaries growing up, whether it was our mother who allowed others to disrespect, use, or abuse her, including us — her child (this can be called “non-existent or porous” boundaries); or our father who was so strict he was like a brick wall (“rigid boundaries”). Either way, we didn’t learn what “healthy” looks like. On the other hand, we could have had wonderful parents and yet someone else in our life—a teacher, grandparent, uncle, family friend, cousin, brother, whoever—stepped across our personal boundary field and physically, verbally, emotionally, or sexually abused us. When abuse happens, we lose the ability to realize we have the power to say “no”. This feeling of being unable to protect ourselves can follow us throughout our lives and before we know it, we find ourselves in situations, both big and small, that confront us with our lack of confidence, personal power, and low self-worth. In fact, I was just speaking to a beautiful, smart, talented woman who told me she was experiencing so much anxiety because her boss had been getting too close physically and would say inappropriate sexual things to her. She wasn’t doing anything flirtatious to provoke him, and couldn’t understand why he was acting this way. I asked her why she didn’t tell him to back off and her response was that she “didn’t want to hurt his feelings or make things worse by putting her foot down”. In other words, she was a “people pleaser”. She hated how she felt around him but didn’t know how to establish a healthy boundary. As we looked back at her life, she saw a strong pattern of many men being inappropriate with her and her feeling powerless (even as a teenage girl with boys). It was almost as though she believed, “It’s a man’s world and that’s just the way it is. I have no choice.” Rather than staying focused on the problem, I asked her what she wanted to feel instead. “What are your intentions?” I asked her. “What do you want? What would courage have you do?” How To Set Healthy BoundariesThe first step in setting healthy boundaries is for us to be able to identify our own needs, wants, opinions, and rights: “Does this feel good to me or does this feel like I’m being manipulated for someone’s gain?” Once we know how we feel about a situation, we must respect ourselves, and our needs. We teach people how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves—by what we’re willing to accept. We must all learn to clearly identify what it is we want in our relationships (how we want to feel about ourselves), and then become skilled at assertively expressing ourselves: “When you _______ (fill in the unhealthy behavior), it makes me feel _________. If you can’t be more respectful to me, I will have to _________ (list the consequences and stick to them).” This process allows our “Woman Energy” to emerge. Here are some more tips for setting healthy boundaries, modified from the book, Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin, by Anne Katherine:
I’d love to know how you feel about today’s blog. Please leave me a comment and I’ll get back to you! Warmly, In general I don’t trust people who have never been lost. I mean, Who Am I, What Am I Doing Here lost. If you never had to find yourself, never wrestled with who you really are or questioned your lot in life you missed some great opportunities. By all means, stride forth with the certainty that yes, you are a doctor, and do your medical schooling and get out there and do your passion. But I feel a little sad for you that you never were forced to get to know yourself on the level that is only possible when you are truly questioning what you are doing here on this planet.
As a Life Purpose and Career Coach I get to work with people who are feeling stuck, lost, or as though they are just going through the motions. Some of them feel bad about where they’re at, like they are subjecting me to this horrible fate they are stuck with and they shouldn’t have hired me in the first place because their misery will just bring me down. I find this hilarious. For one, the client isn’t giving themselves much credit for how much work they’ve already done just by committing to hiring a coach. For two, the farther down the rabbit hole you are (as one client likes to say), the more satisfying it will be for me to help guide you out of there. Working with someone who feels lost is also a great privilege, because it means I often get to be there when the clouds start to part and the sun starts shining. While it may not be fun for the client at first, as the coach I can see what lies ahead. It’s incredibly exciting. One of the best gifts you can give me as a coach is a look of hope dawning across your face. It’s like you just found where you are on the map and it all makes sense again. Some people want to just hunker down right there and call it a day. “I know where I am! I can just stay here and I’ll be safe!” Personally I wouldn’t want to live at the border of the US and Mexico just because I know where it is. I need a reason to stay there. And it better be good! But it’s tempting to live in that space of potential, that Maybe I Could Do _______! When you live there you never get saddled with the fear of failure that comes with trying. This may sound weird coming from a coach, but I don’t want you to live your potential. I want you to live your real life dreams. As messy as they may be. You’ll have to ask yourself hard questions, which you were probably hoping were left behind once you realized what you really wanted to do. Questions like “Am I really any good at ________ (law, petting zoo ownership, whatever). And maybe even “What was I thinking?!” But of course, the success is in the trying. The success is in the “failing” at whatever you thought you’d like to do, but you realize something big about yourself in the process. The success is the pride that comes with figuring it out. And the success is learning to have fun and relax, even when you know you’re going to have to try something else. That’s the Life Purpose Process, if you ask me. So get lost. Go ahead. Screw up a little. And when you are really ready to discover your purpose, your joy and vocation, give me a call. Bring your misery, your confusion, your lost dreams. Bring your fear of failure and fear of success. We can unpack that too. I look forward to climbing up the rabbit hole with you. "A life purpose is not a point in time and space; it is not a goal or something to do. Feeling whole and complete would not come from any action, IT IS THE PATH ITSELF AND ANY STEP TAKEN IN IT. The deepest part of it lays in the magic of being present, resting and fully BEING in ALL there is. Free to be your true nature."- Homaya Amar from www.homayaamar.com |
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